The Year I Lost Myself

The year 2023 was the hardest year of my life. It was the year I lost my grandfather. His death changed me in ways I did not expect. When he died, it felt like something inside me also disappeared. I was still living, still waking up every day, but I felt empty.

After that, I slowly lost motivation in everything. My academics were also affected. I lost the spark I once had. I used to try my best, but suddenly I did not see the point anymore. I struggled to focus, to study, and to believe in myself. Every failure made me doubt myself more. Things that once mattered to me did not feel important anymore. I stopped caring about my goals, my plans, and even myself sometimes. I felt tired all the time, not just in my body but also in my mind.

I started becoming avoidant. When life gets hard, I push people away from me. I become quiet, distant, and hard to reach out, l also ghost people, even from those who care about me. I do this when I feel drained and overwhelmed. I don't always know the reason, but it has become a part of how I deal with hard moments.

I don't know how to explain myself to others. I am not good at opening up. Words feel hard to find, and I worry that I might be misunderstood. So instead of talking, I stay quiet. I avoid messages, conversations, and sometimes even the people I care about. It is not because I don't value them, but because I don't know how to let them see what l am feeling.

Being avoidant makes me feel safe for a while, but it can also make me feel alone. There are moments when I wish I could speak freely and say what is on my mind. I am slowly learning that avoiding people does not solve everything. It only hides the problem for a short time.

2023 was my downfall, but it also showed me how grief can change a person. Growing up like this taught me many lessons. I am trying to learn that it's okay to speak, to feel, and to ask for help, even when it's hard. But I learned to be patient, to never give up, and to believe in myself little by little.

THE LAST WORDS, THE FOREVER LOVE

I was eight years old, in Grade 3, when the world as I knew it changed forever. That morning started like any other – my father woke me up with his warm smile, the same one that made my tummy do little flips of joy. He fixed me my favorite breakfast: fried rice with a perfect sunny-side-up egg, just how I liked it. "Study hard today, anak," he said, ruffling my hair. Those were the last words he ever said to me. 

I don't remember much of that day after school. I came home to find relatives huddled in our living room, their faces wet with tears. My mother held me tight, her body shaking as she whispered that Papa was gone. I didn't understand at first – where could he have gone that he wouldn't come back to tuck me in at night? Where was he when I needed help with my math homework, the subject he always made fun and easy to learn?

What I do remember are the little things that still live in my heart. How he'd carry me on his shoulders whenever we went to the market in Penablanca, pointing out different fruits and telling me silly stories about them. How he taught me to fly a kite in our backyard, patiently untangling the string every time I messed it up. How he'd sing off-key to my favorite nursery rhymes just to make me laugh.

Growing up without him wasn't easy. There were times I felt angry – why did he have to leave so soon? But as I got older, 

I realized he never really left. His lessons about being kind, working hard, and finding joy in simple things stay with me 

every single day. When I graduate from school, when I achieve my dreams, I know he'll be watching over me, smiling that same warm smile.

My father may not be here in person, but his love fills every corner of our home and every beat of my heart. He is my first hero, my forever guide, and no amount of time will ever erase him from my life.